Zartan (2004)

Zartan? I don’t know any Zartan! You could have fooled me, buddy, because you sure look like him. Well, kind of, anyway. And hey, where’s the box o’ junk?! Now that I think about it, this is one half-arsed Zartan. Yet I can’t seem to look away…

Regardless of how you feel about the 2000’s era 12 inch figures, this one has most of the classic Zartan hallmarks. The hood is there, although a bit big. Okay, it’s really really big. It’s like he’s draped a bath towel over his head. Speaking of the head, it forgoes the usual baldy look underneath for a head with quite a Fabio-esque mane. It was previously used for Nunchuk (my favorite New York ninja, by the way). I assume the reason for the head choice is the appropriately sour-puss expression on the face. I’d say it was a decent choice, if not for the visible hairline under the hood.

The figure also had two face masks that can be placed on the head. Both stay in place quite well, but both are also decidedly creepy. First, they both have a strange dead-eyed look; second, the masks are made overly large in order to work; and third, they can be placed into Zartan’s backpack, which is not the classic coffin style, but rather a decidedly back-to-school looking bag that opens like one of your grandma’s old coin purses. Shoving Snow Job’s face into it like so much loose change makes for an odd experience.

The bulky flak jacket/bomb squad smock doesn’t quite measure up to Z’s old belly shirt number. And why he has a broiler pan strapped to his chest, I’ll never know. Finally, the pants. I would be remiss if I didn’t point out their lovely triangular and trapezoidal camo pattern. Zartan would be well camouflaged amongst the remains of a second grade construction paper craft project. I suppose that’s one positive here: nice pants.