Joe Toys That Could Have Been: MASS Device Figures Part 2

By Past Nastification

We’re back with more figures that could have been based on Sunbow’s MASS Device mini-series. Let’s get right to it!

Arena Wranger: Speaking of suits from the last entry, this P90X enthusiast didn’t wear a jacket or a shirt, but check out those casual slacks- what else would one wear with a black leather hood?

Cold Weather Scarlett: During the MASS Device, Snow Job was the only Joe figure released in cold weather gear. When other Joes needed to be out in the cold, Sunbow’s solution was to add a simple fur-edged coat over the existing uniform. A simple but great look.

Baroness in Coat: While placing a homing transmitter for the MASS Device to utilize, the Baroness kept warm in this stylish coat and hat. Looking more like a fashion doll than a rough-and-tumble action figure, Hasbro would probably never make this figure.

Valenkof: Cobra needed to capture a top official for the Soviet Union so Sunbow created one. “Created” is too generous a term, as Valenkof and his caterpillar eyebrows are an obvious stand-in for real life (and recently dead at the time) USSR leader Leonid Brezhnev and his caterpillar eyebrows. Hey, it’s another figure in a suit!!

Baroness in blue: Before slinking into her famous black dominatrix outfit, the Baroness started out in a blue outfit in both the MASS Device and in Marvel Comics early run. Hasbro has recolored the ARAH mold, one of the new sculpt molds, and one of the modern era molds in blue uniforms, but none quite match this design and its yellow quilted accouterments.

Cobra Soldier Coat: Like with the Joes, Sunbow threw coats on Cobra Soldiers to winterize them.

Blind Woodsman: Snake-Eyes got himself a bad case of radiation poisoning in Cobra’s radioactive mine. Lucky for him there lived a nameless blind woodsman who knew the best way to defeat impending mega-cancer was “a simple dressing of leaves and herbs”. And here we are, wasting all this money on medical research. He also took on a polar bear with a giant shock stick and even gave Timber his name. A true pelt-wearing multi-tasker.

Torpedo & the Tubeworms: Some GI Joe characters in Sunbow’s run existed in parallel with action figures, but didn’t look like them. Torpedo’s action figure had a light grey vertical center, whereas the cartoon version was mostly dark blue. The tubeworms could be considered a playset as they were anchored to the ocean floor by their tubes. But, like mothers-in- law, they had angry eyes and open screaming mouths, pushing them towards the action figure end of the toy spectrum. Also, if anyone ever names your band “Torpedo and the Tubeworms”, please let me know. I will buy your first crappy album.

Stay tuned for the third and final part next week!